January 24th- Disappointment and Hormones

Have you ever been really disappointed with someone that you feel you are close to? And no matter how much they apologize about what they did, you still cringe when a random memory of the two of you comes to mind? And despite all the effort you put in to it, you can't stop the tears? I know he didn't mean it, but it doesn't mean that I am not still disappointed with him for saying it. I am not stupid. I get this from everybody else, I don't need to hear it from people that I am close to. Especially not you.

Existence

I want to change the world, but that is going to be really hard to do. This world is too big for an insignificant teenage girl to do anything. I won't give up on this. I need to do something. I can't die without at least changing three lives. I only have one life to live, and I can't waste it.

Maybe I should become a teacher or a lawyer like everybody else in my family. I don't think I want that. It would be nice to become a guidance counselor or a school psychologist, but people don't think that I could make a successful career out of that. That shouldn't matter. As long as I can help one child, I will have had a wonderful existence.

Life is short, but it is never pointless. We are all here, so why not take advantage of the few years we have to do something worth while?

Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

                                                                                                                                              -Bob Marley 

Well, are you? 

January Nineteenth

Today is the day that I realized that everybody leaves. They don't necessarily mean to hurt you when they leave, but they do it nonetheless. I can't do anything to stop them from leaving and I can't do anything to numb the pain so I have to deal with it. That is why I am writing. By the way, don't think anything too unusual is happening because it is just high school graduation. Still, it is a big deal to me. I know that it is about four and a half months away but I can't help but think about it now. My friends are leaving to move on with their lives and get out of our city and start something new and that is great, don't get me wrong, but I wish that I could have more time, ya know? I realized that this time next year, I won't be speaking to my senior friends. Heck, I probably won't be speaking to them this October. If anything, we will "see" each other on Facebook and we will exchange the routine "happy birthday" posts once a year, but that will just make it hurt more. They will have already moved on but I will still be stuck here writing an extended essay and mindlessly taking lecture notes for my World History class.

I have always wanted the ability to manipulate time, but you have no idea how much I need that now. I could blame my mother for conceiving me at the wrong time, I could blame the stupid seniors because they are so perfect and wonderful that I just had to love them, I could blame me for opening up and making friends, but I won't. I just have to accept that I am going to have to go through this and, yeah, it's going to suck. I will probably be sad about this particular class leaving when I start my senior year. I know I will be devastated again when the next class leaves and I will be sad when I leave, too, but I have to deal with it.

I bet they are excited to leave. I know I'll be. I should feel happy for them but I just can't right now. I will be happy eventually. I feel really selfish, but I want them to never leave.  They probably have it even worse than I do with this feeling because they have had the four years to bond with these people and I have only known them a very short while. I am probably overreacting to this, but I don't really care. I knew that high school was going to suck when I got it, but I didn't expect this. They say that you meet really great life long friends in high school, but how am I supposed to believe that when they keep leaving? I really don't want to have to say goodbye.

Time is a fickle friend. Someday I'll get over it.