July Sixteenth

I complain a lot for a happy person. Everything bothers me. Why is that? Why is it that something has to bother me? Why can't I just grasp my happy feelings and hold on for whatever ride they'll throw me on? No, something always has to bother me. My relative forgot to ask for lemonade in my Starbucks drink, someone wore the same shirt as I did, my cat won't stop meowing, my school assignment is too boring, my friend is too busy to hang out with me, nothing works for me. I don't know why that is.

People bother me, but not in an, " Oh people bother me I hate all people I have to avoid them all grr never go outside curses on humanity" type way. It is more of a, "You, (Insert name here) are bothering me at this moment and I won't forget this no matter how wonderful of a person you turn out to be." There is a girl that a lot of people enjoy and for her sake we will call her her Ellie. Ellie is that girl that teachers adore and adults find to be interesting and everyone wants to know about her because she is a mystery. You see, I'm mutual friends with this Ellie and I hear wonderful things about her but I also hear terrible things about her from people that have Drama with her, so I decided to wait and meet her and judge her then. I had a few encounters with her after that where she was pretty short and cold with me, but I brushed them off and just assumed she was in a bad mood at the time and didn't think anything of it. A close friend of mine, let's call him Jerry, told me that he was talking to her and that she was, "just like you, Sabina!" I didn't believe him, so I checked her out on the Internet. We had very similar interests and career goals and that bothered me to no end. Maybe that is the problem, you know, people that are friends with my friends that are similar to me. It makes sense to have them as friends, but I still don't like it.

I'm honestly happy with most of the things in my life. I think I just have to focus on myself and not think about any of the consequences.

January 24th- Disappointment and Hormones

Have you ever been really disappointed with someone that you feel you are close to? And no matter how much they apologize about what they did, you still cringe when a random memory of the two of you comes to mind? And despite all the effort you put in to it, you can't stop the tears? I know he didn't mean it, but it doesn't mean that I am not still disappointed with him for saying it. I am not stupid. I get this from everybody else, I don't need to hear it from people that I am close to. Especially not you.

Existence

I want to change the world, but that is going to be really hard to do. This world is too big for an insignificant teenage girl to do anything. I won't give up on this. I need to do something. I can't die without at least changing three lives. I only have one life to live, and I can't waste it.

Maybe I should become a teacher or a lawyer like everybody else in my family. I don't think I want that. It would be nice to become a guidance counselor or a school psychologist, but people don't think that I could make a successful career out of that. That shouldn't matter. As long as I can help one child, I will have had a wonderful existence.

Life is short, but it is never pointless. We are all here, so why not take advantage of the few years we have to do something worth while?

Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

                                                                                                                                              -Bob Marley 

Well, are you? 

January Nineteenth

Today is the day that I realized that everybody leaves. They don't necessarily mean to hurt you when they leave, but they do it nonetheless. I can't do anything to stop them from leaving and I can't do anything to numb the pain so I have to deal with it. That is why I am writing. By the way, don't think anything too unusual is happening because it is just high school graduation. Still, it is a big deal to me. I know that it is about four and a half months away but I can't help but think about it now. My friends are leaving to move on with their lives and get out of our city and start something new and that is great, don't get me wrong, but I wish that I could have more time, ya know? I realized that this time next year, I won't be speaking to my senior friends. Heck, I probably won't be speaking to them this October. If anything, we will "see" each other on Facebook and we will exchange the routine "happy birthday" posts once a year, but that will just make it hurt more. They will have already moved on but I will still be stuck here writing an extended essay and mindlessly taking lecture notes for my World History class.

I have always wanted the ability to manipulate time, but you have no idea how much I need that now. I could blame my mother for conceiving me at the wrong time, I could blame the stupid seniors because they are so perfect and wonderful that I just had to love them, I could blame me for opening up and making friends, but I won't. I just have to accept that I am going to have to go through this and, yeah, it's going to suck. I will probably be sad about this particular class leaving when I start my senior year. I know I will be devastated again when the next class leaves and I will be sad when I leave, too, but I have to deal with it.

I bet they are excited to leave. I know I'll be. I should feel happy for them but I just can't right now. I will be happy eventually. I feel really selfish, but I want them to never leave.  They probably have it even worse than I do with this feeling because they have had the four years to bond with these people and I have only known them a very short while. I am probably overreacting to this, but I don't really care. I knew that high school was going to suck when I got it, but I didn't expect this. They say that you meet really great life long friends in high school, but how am I supposed to believe that when they keep leaving? I really don't want to have to say goodbye.

Time is a fickle friend. Someday I'll get over it.